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Jokes


Bank Loan

 A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the st
...
reet in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The ban
k agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,

    “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

    The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

 


Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep.  They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothing' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


What do you do all day??


     A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
     The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
     In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
     In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
     He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
     He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
     As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
     Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
     As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
     She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
     He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
     She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'
     Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
     She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'


SERVICE

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'  'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'  Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?


Yahoo!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
          The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would
let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station
attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
          Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.


Italian Bread

    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
    He said, "I want 5 loaves."
    She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"
    He replied, "I can't believe it, every body in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."


Blond Football Fan


    Football FINALLY makes sense..........  

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 

    Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all the big muscles! But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." 

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" 

    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!'  I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"


Dinner With The Parents

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "  Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"  The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious".

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


Farmer

An old farmer in South Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple trees.  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while.  He grabbed a 5-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  When they became aware of his presence, they all went to the deep end of the pond.  One of the women shouted, "We're not getting out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Diner 

Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
          The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
          The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

Three Kick Rule 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
          The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
          The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
          The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
          The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
          The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth
until someone gives up."
          The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
          The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.  The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
          The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."
           The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


Chris Rock's Quote of the Year: 
 

        “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U. S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.”


Lost wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's, OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue-eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


Why we split up!
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back..........


Top 10 reasons men prefer guns over woman!

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

 Not So Funny's

   Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, They pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit. I don't always agree with it but whatever...  In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them?  Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass.  Could you imagine how much money the State would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a Public Assistance check?


At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"  Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all teammates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!


 

 

 

 

 

 

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